


Satisfaction Guaranteed

by Phreakycat



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: AU, Buck is a purveyor of adult goods, Catholic Guilt, Eddie is repressed AF but he's trying okay, Lots of sex talk for a fic with zero actual sex, M/M, The Battering Ram deserves his own tag, The sex shop AU no one asked for, excessive mention of dildos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:47:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24645898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phreakycat/pseuds/Phreakycat
Summary: In which Buck is a sex shop employee, and Eddie may have overestimated his ability to handle a store full of fake dicks.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 48
Kudos: 371





	Satisfaction Guaranteed

**Author's Note:**

> I... don't even know. I keep trying to work on my angsty WIPS and ending up with shit like this. Enjoy?
> 
> Thank you, as always, to the incredible Toughpaperround for betaing this!

“Alright, Diaz,” Eddie mutters to himself, pulling his baseball cap lower over his eyes, “chin up. You can do this.”

He doesn’t move, still sitting in his car and staring at the sign over the door that reads “Between a Cock and a Hard Place” in neon letters. There’s a cartoon rooster next to it, winking conspiratorially. 

When he’d lied and told Hen he needed to buy a gag gift for a bachelor party, she’d recommended this place as a non-skeevy purveyor of adult goods. Eddie is questioning that assessment now, seeing the horrible pun in lit-up letters. But he swore to himself that he was going to go through with this and buy himself his first sex toy, and he’s here so...

Of course, if he doesn’t get out of the car he’s not going to be buying  _ anything _ .

“You’ve taken  _ literal bullets _ before. You can walk into a sex shop and confront the kind that vibrates, you coward,” he hisses at himself, and great - now he’s the creep parked outside the sex shop talking to himself. He glances at the dashboard clock and sees that he’s got about two hours until Carla is off for the day, which means he’s got about 45 minutes to do this before he needs to deal with LA traffic. 

It’s now or never.

Before he can change his mind he steps out of the truck and speed walks to the door, head down and shoulders hunched. He’s not sure what he’s avoiding - security cameras? The judgement of random strangers? His dead  _ bisabuela _ in heaven watching him walk into a store of ill repute? 

A little bell over the door jingles merrily as he steps inside. It’s not as terrible as he feared - brightly lit, clean, full of displays that Eddie can’t look directly at. 

“Hey man, can I help you?” a man calls from the counter at the back of the store.

“No, uh, I think I’m good?” Eddie chokes out, trying for casual but sounding like he’s being held at gunpoint. 

“Okay, let me know if you need help finding something, or you want to sample any of the flavored lubes,” the man says.

“Thanks,” Eddie says, and then… just stands there. He’s not even really sure what he wants, let alone where to find it. He glances to his right at a display of - are those silicone asses? 

Oh Jesus.  _ No, no _ , don’t think about Jesus in a sex shop,  _ fuck _ .

“You sure you don’t need any help?” a voice says from much, much closer and Eddie jumps a little, looking away from the display of spread, disembodied ass cheeks so fast something in his neck makes a popping sound. 

The shop employee is standing to his left, smiling encouragingly at him. And holy fucking hell he’s gorgeous. Like,  _ indecently _ gorgeous. Blonde hair that’s curling just a little at the top, eyes so blue they make Eddie’s breath catch, delicately handsome bone structure and full, pink lips. 

He’s roughly six foot two of chiseled body that Eddie wants to climb like a rock wall, broad shoulders in a light pink tee and thighs that fill out his faded jeans in a way that makes Eddie’s brain blank out. 

“Uh,” he says, eloquently.

“Why don’t you give me a general idea of what you’re interested in and we’ll start there?” Tall, Blonde and Fuckable says.

_ Definitely interested in you. _

“I’m - um - looking for a- a  _ vibrator _ .”

Bless the man for ignoring the pathetic way Eddie’s voice cracks on the word  _ vibrator _ .

“Oh, cool! Well, we’ve got a wide variety - some  _ wider _ than others if you get my drift,” he laughs at his own awful joke, and Eddie notes the nametag on his uniform that says  _ Buck _ . Do they make their employees here take ridiculous stripper stage names or something? Is that a thing that sex shops do, or just strip clubs?

“...and lots of different features depending on what you’re using them for.” Buck is saying, oblivious to Eddie tuning out on him.

“Cool. Cool, cool,” Eddie says, cringing as his brain shrieks  _ what the fuck are you saying idoita?!  _

“Is this for a lady friend? Or, you know,” Buck makes a sound like a slide whistle and pantomimes shoving something up his ass, and Eddie chokes a little on his own saliva.

“No lady friend,” Eddie says. He feels heat crawling up his neck and over his cheeks and curses his Swedish half for making him pale enough to blush. 

“Great,” Buck beams, clapping him on the shoulder, “right this way, then.”

Eddie follows him through the racks of corsets, strap on harnesses, and dirty nun costumes ( _ sorry, Sister Maria Anna _ , Eddie thinks, sending a brief prayer of atonement to his 4th grade Catholic school teacher).

“So we’ve got a lot of toys for anal play,” Buck says without preamble, gesturing at the back wall. There’s a large variety of boxes and displays. “We’ve got everything from our line of beginner toys,  _ Cherry _ , all the way up to this bad boy - we call him The Battering Ram.”

Buck picks up a frankly terrifying-looking dildo that looks like a silicone model of King Kong’s dick. He twists the base, and it shudders to life with a buzz that rivals a Harley. 

"Oh shit," Buck exclaims as it thrashes like something out of a horror movie, trying and failing to maintain his hold on it. It hits the floor with a meaty  _ thump _ and promptly jitters across the linoleum floor into a rack of floggers.

“Whoops,” Buck says, grinning sheepishly, “well, as you can see, that one’s a bit… aggressive. Not recommended if you’ve got loose fillings or a heart condition.”

“Definitely something a little less intimidating, please,” Eddie manages to say, talking over the sound of The Battering Ram living up to its name as it _thwack_ s against the metal base of the display. “Are you going to shut that off?”

“Eh,” Buck says, waving a hand dismissively, “he’ll wear himself out in a few minutes. That thing eats through batteries like you wouldn’t believe. So are you looking for something discrete, or something more anatomically correct? Or anatomically  _ in _ correct? We’ve got a couple dragon dick dildos in our fantasy line, and then there’s  _ The Prober _ , our extra-terrestrial model-”

“None of that thank you!” Eddie shouts, then shuts his mouth so hard his teeth click together. 

“Oo-kay, so classic human dong or smooth and simple it is,” Buck grins, “let’s see - we’ve got the Double Trouble, that has a nice little bit that massages your taint, that one’s popular. Or there’s the Lumberjack, which is rechargeable and saves a lot on batteries if you think you’ll be using it frequently. We also have a variety of prostate massagers, if you want to just go straight for the jackpot - I definitely recommend having, like, a  _ bunch _ of wet wipes handy for those because I can tell you from personal experience it’s like the fountain show at the Bellagio when you use them right.”

Eddie’s pretty sure he just felt his soul leave his body. What even is happening here? 

“Any of this blowing up your skirt, man?” Buck asks, a dildo in each hand as he waggles them at Eddie.

“Skirt?”

“Metaphorically speaking. Or literally, we don’t kink-shame here.”

“Uh, maybe that one?”

He points at a non-descript silver, egg-shaped vibrator labeled  _ The Cadbury Cream _ .

Buck grimaces.

“I’m going to be honest with you - uh, what did you say your name was?”

“I didn’t. But, it’s Eddie.”

_ Shit _ , should he have used an alias? 

“Eddie - I’m going to be honest with you, I wouldn’t recommend that one for backdoor fun. One of our regulars tried it and when he came his ass sucked that thing up into his colon like a shopvac - his words, not mine - and he lost the retrieval cord.”

“Oh,” Eddie says, voice strangled. He should have gotten drunk for this. This is definitely something that should have involved copious amounts of alcohol beforehand. Possibly some form of street drug. 

“He had to go to the ER to have it manually retrieved,” Buck continues, “lucky for him he’s got a medical kink so he was thrilled, but I’m guessing that’s a situation you’d prefer to avoid?”

Eddie nods frantically, not trusting himself to speak without just screaming wordlessly. 

“Okay so you’re gonna want one with a flared base so it can’t get lost in the plumbing. The John Doe is a good choice - do you have any thoughts on your preferences for overall girth?”

Is it possible to have a heart attack from embarrassment, Eddie wonders? 

The Battering Ram chooses that moment to shake itself over the floor into the back of his right foot, as if summoned forth by Buck’s utterance of the word  _ girth _ , and yup. This is how he dies. He’s going to have a massive, shame-induced coronary in the middle of a shitty pun sex shop in front of the hottest guy he’s ever seen and  _ why did he come to a shop in the 118’s jurisdiction _ ? 

His team is going to find him coding on the floor surrounded by Fleshlights and bondage gear.

“You okay man?” Buck asks, looking concerned.

“I, uh- I think I left my stove off. At home.” Eddie blurts, “I need to go turn it on. Wait, no, that’s not-”

“Deep breaths,” Buck says gently, squeezing his shoulder. Unfortunately he’s still holding onto a dildo, and the bright fuschia dick flops softly against the side of Eddie’s mouth. Eddie makes a strangled sound, and yeah he’s definitely having a panic attack now. 

“Sorry, sorry!” Buck cries, tossing the dildo over his shoulder where it knocks over a lifesize cardboard cutout of a porn star dressed like - is that  _ Marge Simpson _ , what the  _ fuck _ .

“Just - just sit down, here-” Buck pushes him down onto a bench near the selection of stiletto boots, urging him to put his head between his knees.

Eddie takes a few deep breaths and starts to feel a little calmer, until he thinks about the fact that he just panicked over fake dicks in front of this incredibly hot guy, and his face heats again. 

“Are you having, like, a gay freakout?” Buck asks kindly, “Because lots of straight guys like ass stuff, it doesn’t make you gay. And if you are gay, or bi, or pan, or whatever, that’s totally fine too.”

“I know that,” Eddie croaks, “rationally, I do. It’s just-”

“Catholic school?” Buck asks with a wry grin, pointing at his St Christopher medal.

“Yeah,” Eddie shrugs.

“And you’re worried that Jesus is watching you shop for a silicone boyfriend?”

“I am  _ now _ .”

“Listen, I get it,” Buck says, sitting next to him, “I had my own little sexuality crisis a few years ago, fucked half the girls in LA county trying to prove to myself that I was totally straight.”

“How’d you get over it?” Eddie asks. Buck smiles.   
  
“I finally found a group of friends that helped me realize that sexuality is a spectrum and there’s nothing wrong with a good dicking down every once and a while if that’s what you’re into.”

Eddie chokes on a laugh, and Buck bumps their shoulders together.

“And, uh - sorry if I came on a little too bluntly with all this-” Buck waves at the wall of vibrators, “I’ve gotten some feedback that I can be a little too forward. I think the comment card said  _ unabashedly graphic, even for a sex shop employee _ ?”

“No, man, it’s okay,” Eddie sighs, “I’m just - trying to undo a lot of years of repression and Catholic guilt and I probably should have, like, ordered online before walking into a shop like this.”

“Yeah, but then you wouldn’t have had the privilege of meeting  _ me _ ,” Buck grins, and okay, that’s a valid point. 

To their left, the Battering Ram gives a few feeble flops on the floor like a dying fish and finally stills.

“Ha! See, told you it would wear itself out,” Buck says triumphantly, and Eddie laughs harder this time. 

“That thing is  _ terrifying _ ,” he admits.

“Amen,” Buck frowns, “there’s not enough lube in the world. Hey, speaking of lube-”

Eddie groans and drops his head again.

“No, no man, hear me out here - how about I just pick you out a nice, simple, safe beginner item and an appropriate lube to go with it, and I can ring you up and stick it in a bag and you don’t even need to  _ look _ at it until you get home and you can have an identity crisis in the privacy of your own home?”

“That- that would actually be great. Thanks.”

“Awesome,” Buck smiles, and Eddie tries really hard not to think about the fact that this incredibly hot guy is about to pick out a fucking  _ sex toy _ for him.

“Hey,” Buck says from in front of the wall of vibrators, tilting his head thoughtfully at the display, “maybe this is like, too forward or weird or inappropriate, but if you ever want to come hang with my friends - the ones I mentioned, that helped me deal with my gay freakout- we go to Trivia Night at Rosco’s the first Saturday of every month. They’re a really great group, no judgement or pressure, and it helps to get to know people in the community. We’ll be there this Saturday.”

“I might do that,” Eddie says, surprised to realize he means it, “Thanks.”

“No problem - I remember what it was like, going through a sexuality crisis in adulthood. Hey, you any good at Trivia?” 

Buck waves him over to the counter and he stands and follows, watching Buck grab a bottle of lube from the shelf behind the cash register before totalling up his purchases.

“I’m decent with military history, and astronomy,” he says, “my kid loves astronomy.”

“Oh you’ve got a kid?” Buck beams, “I love kids! Wait. That probably sounds wierd and creepy coming from a guy in a sex shop. I just mean-”

“Don’t sweat it,” Eddie chuckles, waving a dismissive hand, “he’s a great kid, everyone loves him.”

“Well I won’t ask to see a picture of him while we're surrounded by masturbation sleeves and penis pumps, because that  _ is _ weird, but if you make it to trivia night you’ll have to show me.”   
  
“Yeah,” Eddie agrees, “I’ll do that.”   
  
“It’s good you’re a history buff,” Buck continues, “We need one on the team. Michael is the math guy, Tom is the pop culture whiz, Karen is unbeatable on politics, and Hen is our science ringer.”

Eddie chokes a little, and Buck looks up, concerned. “You having another panic attack over dicks? You need some water or something?”

“Did you say Hen?” Eddie asks, and Buck smiles.

“Yeah, her name’s not actually Hen, it’s-”

“Henrietta Wilson.”

“How did you- wait,” Buck stops, eyes widening, “you’re  _ that _ Eddie? Eddie Diaz? From the 118?”

“Oh my god I’m going to kill her,” Eddie mumbles, “wait, what has she said about me?”

“Uh,” holy shit Buck is  _ blushing _ . The guy who casually asked him about the girth of objects he wants to shove up his ass is blushing.

“Was it bad?”

“No! No. She just, um… she keeps telling me that you’re my type. Like joking about setting me up with you?”

“But I’m straight,” Eddie blurts, and Buck raises his eyebrows incredulously, “I mean - as far as  _ she _ knows I am. I haven’t- I haven’t said anything about this, to anyone. Other than you.”

“Hen’s got seriously good gaydar,” Buck shrugs, “like, military grade. Nothing gets by her.”

“She probably knew before  _ I _ did,” Eddie sighs, knowing it’s true. Hen sees all. 

“So did she, like, send you here?” Buck asks shyly.

“Uh, kind of? I may or may not have lied and told her I needed a suggestion for a shop to buy a gag gift for a friend’s bachelor party.”

“Dude,” Buck says, face serious, “she is  _ totally _ on to you.”

“And she sent me here… to meet you,” Eddie says cautiously. 

“Surprise?” Buck says, smiling and shrugging.

Eddie sighs. “That devious  _ cabrőn _ .”

Buck’s face falls a little. 

“Listen man, you don’t need to feel obligated to hang out or anything just because Hen tried to play matchmaker, really, it’s-”

“No!” Eddie blurts, cheeks flaming, “No, I- I want to. I mean, if you do?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, the smile back on his face, “I mean, Hen wasn’t wrong - you  _ are _ my type.”

“Emotionally-repressed Catholic having a sexuality crisis is your type?”

“You wouldn't  _ believe _ how large that dating pool is. But no, I meant hot, brunette, ripped - and gotta say, the uniform  _ does  _ things for me.”

Eddie clears his throat and tries to think of something suave to say in return, but what comes out instead is “You’re hot. Also. I think you’re hot.”

Buck grins, and the brat is clearly preening a little, crossing his arms over his chest in a way that makes his biceps flex enticingly. 

“How about you come to trivia night this weekend, and we get to know each other a little, and see where it goes?”

“That’d be-uh-yes, that’d be great,” Eddie says. 

Buck scribbles his number down on the receipt after Eddie pays for… whatever is in that bag, and says “Just text me and then I’ll have your number, I can give you the details for Saturday.”

“Sounds great. Uh, thanks. For-” Eddie waves a hand in a vague gesture meant to indicate  _ all of this bullshit I just put you through _ .

“My pleasure,” Buck says, winking, and Eddie’s blood rushes south almost instantly. “See you Saturday.”

“Yeah, see you then,” Eddie says, taking his bag and waving at Buck as he reluctantly leaves. 

Back in his truck he sinks back into the seat and sighs heavily, trying to recover from that emotional rollercoaster. He pulls out his receipt and texts Buck quickly, just a simple ‘ _ hey, it’s Eddie’ _ .

He owes Hen some serious payback for this stunt. Some hardcore pranking, or maybe a nice dinner and a thank you card? He’s not sure how to feel about it just yet. 

He’s just putting on his seatbelt when his phone pings several times in quick succession, and he sees answering texts from Buck’s number.

_ Eddie who? _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Just kidding _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Have fun with ur purchase and let me know if u need pointers  _

_ I take my job very seriously _

_ Ur satisfaction guaranteed ;) _

Okay, yeah, Hen is  _ definitely  _ getting a nice dinner on him. 

  
  



End file.
